J was away at an LGBTQ retreat with a local group this weekend. He has only been attending the support group for two weeks so I must admit there was slight hesitation in allowing him to go out of town with adults I don't know well. But he wanted to go so badly and we wanted him to have the opportunity to be whoever he wanted, surrounded by other kids who wouldn't judge him. What a fantastic decision that was!

I picked J up after the camp out and he was bubbly and smiley with colorful pipe cleaners decorating his thick black-framed glasses with rainbows and flowers. He was bouncing around, collecting phone numbers and chatting with his friends about what clothes their Miitomo Miis are wearing (that's a whole thing. Check it out here.). He didn't even see me arrive and I enjoyed standing back and watching him be himself.

As I walked to the car with J and his friend M (whom he's known since birth), I asked what they did. She answered, "Oh, you know, gay stuff!" I loved seeing them both laugh and be free from judging themselves or being judged. These moments are what make me 100% certain he is doing what is right.

Before he left for the camp out retreat, he told us he had chosen a name. It was a bit of a sore spot. He had a short list with things like Jo and Jenny on it and he said he'd tell us when he had one he really liked. But when I asked him how the decision making was going, he said he'd already chosen - Max. Trying not to be judgmental I asked, "Max? Is that short for something?" "Yeah, Maxine." I told him to sit with that idea for a little while before he told people and he said, "But I've already told people!" *le sigh* I didn't want to say it directly to him but I wanted him to realize that picking a masculine name when you look fairly androgynous and are going to live your life out as a girl is not the easiest path to choose. Once he has long hair it would be easier but for now he's basically swapping a "boy" name for a "boy" name. It's actually not so much "Max" I don't like - it's "Maxine." CRINGE. I was concerned Max would attract unwanted questions about his sexuality/gender as he starts his new school. I turned to a Facebook group for Trans people, families and allies, asking their opinion: should I tell him I don't like his chosen name? Is it my place? Will this name stick? Do I just bite the bullet and roll with it?

Time and time again, the lovely people on the group explained to me that naming himself is a huge part of the coming out. That telling him I don't like the name would be tantamount to rejecting him as a girl. Some said that, as his parents, we are perfectly within our rights to help guide him but to be very delicate about it. And many said not to worry, the name was likely to change several times before he finally settles on one that sticks. I fretted over this all weekend, and through the process, I came to like "Max." Maybe it was a great way to breach the transition, after all. And maybe it didn't have to be Maxine (Which was the only "formal" version he could think of.). Maybe it could be McKenzie? Maybe we could come up with another long version somehow. I was torn about not being involved in renaming my child - it hit me much harder than I could've imagine. Maybe it wasn't about the name at all, but rather part of the "mourning" for the child I felt I was losing.

As we got in the car after the retreat, I asked J, "So, did you go by Max this weekend?" He responded, casually, "No, I chose a new name." Arghhhhhh. He had no idea, obviously, that I had been agonizing all weekend, nor should he be troubled by that, but it was so casual! Nope. Got a new name. I would love nothing more than to tell you about the new name here. It's so fitting and draws so many parallels with the situation, from my perspective, but the letter C will have to suffice in order to protect my child's identity. Now, armed with a new name and the strength gained by his weekend away, J said he was ready to tell his brothers. I asked if he was ready to go by female pronouns yet and he said, "Whatever makes you comfortable." I told him he was the one guiding us and if he was ready, then we would start but that he was going to have to give us some grace and understand when we made mistakes. He said, "I'd really like that." We agreed that after dinner with the boys, it would begin within the confines of our family. Since we will have two C's in the family, now, my husband will be referred to a "my husband" or "C's father/dad" from here on out. Trying to keep y'all on your toes!

So, C's dad and I had talked to him about the possibility of telling his brothers on Sunday night. It would be a rare night when all of us were home and when we had plenty of time to talk it over before the next school week - and the chaos that goes with it - began. As such, we had prepared for a lovely meal. We got burgers, steaks and nice sausages to grill. We set up the outside table with music and a huge spread so we could enjoy our meal in the garden on this gorgeous spring evening. C was excited but nervous.

My husband started off by asking all the kids, "So, anything good happening?" Each of the boys answered in turn with what they were looking forward to or what they had enjoyed this weekend. My husband turned to C: "Anything going on with you?" C looked up, hesitating, and said, "Ummmmmm...." "Would you like me to say it?" I asked. He nodded.

"You know that show we've been watching about the trans girl and her family?" Both boys nodded. "And you know how you've noticed something going on with J - the errands, the haircut, the earrings...?" "Yeah...?" the answered almost in unison. "Well, all of that is because J has told us he is transgender." The youngest, without missing a beat, said "Ohhhhhh! That's....AWESOME!" A huge grin spread across J's face and he high-fived his brother across the table. The middle child, slightly befuddled, but catching on, reached out for a high-five, too. Massive sigh of relief! We spent a good hour answering questions and introducing C's desire to be called by female pronouns at home. We clarified that this is not something either of the boys have the privilege of sharing right now outside our family and that, in time, it's highly likely they will feel some backlash from this adjustment to our family. We talked about the importance of being informed, giving intelligent responses and refraining from violence if these situations ever arise. And most of all, we highlighted that family is first - always - and we expect these two boys to be supportive at all times. They almost puffed up with pride at the charge to protect their new sister. "So, wait, do I have a sister now?" the youngest asked. "Yep," I answered. "Cooooooool."

The transition to she/her/her's is already proving difficult. Habits are hard to break! C is a lovely name but J still rolls off my tongue without even thinking. But we are all catching each other out and once, when I accidentally used J last night, the youngest said, "Who's J?" with a twinkle in his eye. The middle child, who is a classic introvert, is taking a little longer to process it all, but he has been so supportive despite it, and is making a real effort to make the change.

Later in the evening, we popped a bottle of bubbly and toasted C's coming out. We told her we were proud of her and that we will support her through everything. She climbed on to each of our laps in turn - a lanky 5'6" teenager snuggled up like a toddler - and hugged us tight. Without saying a word, she told us she knows we've got her back now and always.