Ever since the new school year began, my husband and I have been exhausted. Like, bone achingly exhausted. Of course there's the typical back to school chaos created by new routines, new schedules, new teachers, schools, buses, etc.. But this year we have found ourselves fighting a whole new level of exhaustion.

The other day, as I was contemplating this, I realized that the whole time, there was a low hum in the back of my brain. Cogs cranking away stealthily. It dawned on me in this grand "Eureka!" moment: it's the trans thing. Day and night, the trans thing just cranks away behind the scenes. It's there, turning silently while I brush my teeth. It's there while I make phone calls and return emails. It's there as I shop at the supermarket. It's always there.

It's no wonder we're exhausted. Our brains have not stopped ticking over since the moment we learned our daughter is trans. We have had a never ending list of things to process. A million calls to make, countless discussions with care providers. We have spoken to family and friends, lawyers, doctors, therapists. We have changed our daughters name in every conceivable place (though I encountered yet another one where I haven't yet sent the paper work today), we have tried to anticipate every hurdle she might face so we can remove them before she gets there.

I was talking about this with a friend yesterday and she said, "It's like when you accidentally leave all your apps open on your phone." Exactly. We've left all the apps open and without even realizing it, we're running the battery down. Now, the low battery warning has popped up and it's finally dawned on us. We need to close the apps! But how?

I want to give myself permission to shut it off, but it just doesn't seem to work that way. Literally every single day since my daughter got her legal name change, I have had to speak with someone about changing it in their records. Or research what is needed to change it somewhere. Or both. Many days I have booked doctors or therapists appointments, gone to support groups or taken my daughter to support groups. How on earth can I possibly get the trans thing out of my head to get some rest? I find it's less and less about understanding that my daughter is trans - she is just my daughter now and has been for quite some time. It's just ALL THE STUFF. There's a never ending mental checklist and an ongoing process of...well, processing.

Whether or not I am conscious of it, the trans thing is just incessantly humming away back there, draining the batteries.

#exhaustion #processing