March 31, 2017 was Transgender Day of Visibility. It was also just short of a year since C came out to us. I've learned so much in that year and figured it would be a good time to open the floor for questions, as it were. So many people want to be supportive but just don't have all the answers. It's tricky to ask things that might otherwise be considered rude, so I invited questions on my Facebook wall and was truly impressed by the thoughtful questions asked. But also, how ordinary they were. I was waiting for the big ones - the elephants in the room - but they never came. Maybe our people are too polite, better educated than we know or just really don't care about the physical side of things. Either way, folks left us really kind messages of support, which mean so much to us. I've removed all identifying details, but here are the questions, comments, and answers, otherwise un-edited. I'm including supportive comments, not to blow our own trumpets, but to acknowledge our amazing community and the love we receive daily. The initial questioner on each will be listed as Q, and additional voices will come in as Q2, Q3, etc. My responses are listed as A. Enjoy!

Q: When did you, as a parent, first notice C was trans? Have you always known? Or was it a shock?

A: It was a total shock. I suspected she was gay but I never saw this coming. Looking back I can view her whole life with a different lens and it's hard to see how I missed it.

Q2: So she likes boys? Bc wouldn't that mean she's straight... This one always confuses me.

A: Yeah, this issue really confused me. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out if she was straight or gay. I now realize it really, really, REALLY doesn't matter who she's in to. She has dated a straight, cis girl, a gay boys who came out as a trans girl and a straight, trans boy. C likes who she likes for what's in their

hearts and minds and how they make her feel. Bodies don't seem to play a big role in her attraction at

this stage in her life.

A: She labels herself as "gay" or "pansexual."

Q2: Pan I get. It's the people who say they are "trans gay man"... I have no idea what that means.... Or

why I care, unless we r both on tender...

A: Well, a trans gay man is someone who was assigned female at birth, identifies as male and is

attracted to men. That matters to a lot of folks. Gender identity and sexuality are deeply important

facets of one's identity so if that's how that person identifies, that's all good, too. I just don't feel the

need to find a label for my kids anymore. I just roll with it.

Q3: Hey H, do you and C think things will always be this fluid or may things change after puberty.

C you are one brave kiddo! X

A: Well, she's in female puberty now and she continues to be attracted to folks of various identities and

sexualities so.... I don't know. I don't really mind one way or the other. I'm just glad she's happier now

and able to live as her authentic self. Whoever she chooses to be in a relationship is cool with me as

long as he/she/they aren't assholes. :)

Q3: Happiness is the main thing in life. Keep hold of that thought and she is lucky to have you, [your husband] and the boys on her side.

Q: No question, just praise to you and [your husband] for being amazing parents and speaking out with support and knowledge.

Q2: C really couldn't have better parents, so proud of you.

A: Thank you, P. We are so fortunate to have the love and support we have that allows us to focus on

loving our kid.

A: Thank you, N! 😘

Q3: I agree -you and [your husband] are wonderful parents

A: Y'all are going to make me blush. x

Q4: I second that! You guys are Amazing.

A: Thank you. :)

Q: Have you experienced anti-trans hatred and how have you dealt with it - if it were my kid I'd go to jail defending...

A: We have been exceedingly fortunate in that regard. C has had the whole "chick with a dick" comment a few times but has handled it with grace. Her counselor taught her that when someone asks her if she used to be a guy, she can legitimately say "no." She's never been a guy, we just didn't know it. The "permission" to say this without feeling like she's lying or hiding something has been helpful. Only one time have we experienced our and out trans-hatred. It was in a petrol station in Louisiana and a giant of a Good ol' boy confronted us on "which one of these boys was in the bathroom with my daughter." I answered that my daughter and I were in the bathroom with his daughter. He got up in C's face, face red and veins bulging, and yelled "THIS BOY WAS IN THE BATHROOM?!" I stepped to him and answered firmly, "my DAUGHTER was in the bathroom." He looked back and forth from me to [my husband] to the cashier, then turned and left. Thankfully nothing else happened though I was genuinely afraid he was going to get violent. It was an awful experience for C and it put her off using public restrooms for awhile. As a parent it was hideous to watch that hatred deep into her skin. But yeah, I'd go all mama bear if I had to.

Q2: 😡 I'm so sorry that you & C had to endure this. What a despicable man.

Q: You are such an awesome person, and C is a very lucky lady to have you!

A: yeah, he was a jackass and it was awful for her. But, in a way, it gave her a taste of how hideous people can be and how lucky she is to have the incredible support she has in our community. And, seriously, we are lucky to have her, too. She's taught us sooooo much and broadened our views on the world no end.

Q3: But how did he know? And are people in the US really paying that much attention to who is in the next cubicle? (Still don't get the US bathroom issue)

A: His daughter must've reported it to him. The ridiculous thing was, she was simply washing her hands. Not even using the loo. And yes, people have an INSANE obsession with the bathroom thing, claiming they want to protect women and girls, while at the same time repealing domestic abuse laws and refusing the equal rights act. It's just bigotry and ignorance.

Q3: So glad we don't (as far as I know) have that issue here. I just spoke to A about it and she also feels it's far less an issue here (lol I did wonder if I was out of touch). She thinks one of the kids in an older year is a trans boy (in an all girls school) and even that isn't a big deal at all. And lol I'm sure they all use the same toilet! Btw off topic but I often wonder how the girls would get on with the childhood friends. And I always think C and A would get on great - similar styles.

Q4: M has gotten grief in bathrooms before, too. It's irritating!

Q5: J refuses to use public toilets or shop changing rooms unless they are unisex, he is so scared of being confronted on it...he doesn't feel comfortable in either...luckily his college has gender neutral toilets.

A: And this right here is the issue! No one knows who's trans and who's cis and why should we care! Just let everyone pee in peace. If someone is lurking or being creepy, report them, whoever they are! Simples.

A: there's a great app here called refuge restrooms where you can tag safe restrooms. If it's available in the U.K. it would help jay find unisex and single stalls while he's out and about. I'm glad his college has unisex potties. :)

Q5: Thanks, the app works here too. That will make life so much easier xx

A: Yea! :)

Q3: This is what I don't get. So are cis people being stopped in bathrooms? I'm assuming there are sections of society who are choosing to 'police' bathrooms and then abuse anyone who they think might be trans? (I think I'm becoming obsessed by USA bathroom politics- I just can't get my head around it).

Q: Just how awful is shopping for a first bra with your child? I'm pretty sure it's awful. #notlookingforward

A: Haha! Actually I bought her first ones without her with me. Emotionally she just wasn't quite ready to do it but she really wanted the bras. So, I went a picked up several styles and sizes for her so she could try them in privacy. It was still awkward for her at home because she didn't know what she didn't know and didn't know how to ask, if you see what I mean. But, we got there. We've had to go a few times since and it's much, much easier now.

Q: So Amazon to the rescue...

A: I hit up Target. ;)

Q: THATS dangerous to the wallet!

A: Truth

Q2: Neither of my girls have gone bra shopping with me. Sport bras to the rescue. Lol. I do think one is secretly "borrowing" mine. But that said most girls feel bra shopping is awkward.

A: Agreed!

Q: You and [your husband] are amazing parents. She chose to tell you, not hide away and suffer like I'm sure some kids do. How did her brothers deal with it?

A: Thank you, S. We talked with her counselor before sitting down with her brothers. We told him we wanted to introduce the subject to them for awhile before telling them about C to help them develop some empathy for the subject outside of our family. We were looking for documentaries to watch together because our kids love them. He suggested "I am Jazz," which is sort of a reality show/documentary about a trans kid and her family. We watched a few episodes of that and at first the boys were like, "Why are we watching this?" A few episodes in they were yelling at the television, "That's not fair! Why can't she play on the girls' soccer team?" At that point we thought the timing was right. Once C had chosen her name, we had a big family meal and told them. T's reaction was "That is...AWESOME!" and he high-fived her. E was a little shell-shocked and had lots and lots of questions. But, within a day or so, it was normal. They led the charge to make sure we changed pronouns and her name. They have been champions for her from the beginning and E has even gone so far as to start a GSA (gay-straight alliance) chapter at his middle school. The only GSA at a middle school in our school district. :)

Q: The M kids rock!!! What an awesome reaction. I'm honored to know you both and to have met your wonderful kids xxx

A: xxx

Q2: I'm not crying, YOU'RE CRYING!

Q3: So many tears right now. You've raised those lads properly!

A: thank you, K.

Q4: Have the boys had any flack about C?

A: T had an incident with a friend who had no prior knowledge of trans folks but her mother messaged me to say they'd had a talk about it and she understood now. Great teaching/learning moment for everyone. Otherwise, thankfully, and perhaps magically, no.

Q4: Like I said...children are fine...it's the grown ups that are the issue....xx

Q: you and [your husband] are amazing, and we have been following your story here, T has bought up the subject of transgender at his school in there character building lessons and he talks about how C has had amazing support and their should be that support here too! Your family are wonderful and a great example to many others out there! I'm proper jealous of C's red hair though!!! I could never rock that look!!

A: What a super star T is! Tell him thank you! :) (The red is Loreal something. I can find out if you want me to.)

Q: I love you all so much! You are an inspiration and I'm so proud to have you as my extended family! Xx

A: Love you, too, Auntie Z! x

Q: In tears reading this thread. And I keep thinking how lucky the kids in C's school are to be growing up with her -- for the broader horizons she brings, but more than that, I'm sure she's just an amazing person in every way. xx

A: *passes tissue* She's pretty awesome, I have to admit. I don;t want to tell her TOO often -- she's still a teenager, after all, and I need to maintain a balance of power. ;)

Q: Truly, I bet that gets tricky! :)

Q: How absolutely wonderful. The world turns slowly, but sometimes there are little bursts of positive energy. And that's certainly evident from your family even if I am thousands of miles away. Very proud of you all xxx

A: Thank you, D. :)

Q: Did you give C any input on her name? It's something we 'give' our children. Did she choose to keep any family traditions? My three have a family middle name, which they might not have chosen for themselves!! Poor JR 😁

A: This was actually one of the most difficult parts of the whole thing, believe it or not. No, we had no input. She chose a different name at first which I really, really didn't like. Not because of the name, which was shortened, but because of the long version of the name (which, presumably would have been what we'd have named her at birth) and I DESPISED that name. I couldn't imagine ever, ever, EVER having named a child that and it pissed me off that people might presume I had awful taste. Weird things go through your head in all of this. We worked so hard to choose just the right name at birth and we loved it. Her middle name was also my husband's first name and he loved that fact. He was really proud of it. So changing her name was an exceedingly emotional issue. I turned to an online group of trans folks and allies and asked them if I had any rights in the naming process. I had hundreds of responses and 9 of 10 of them were, "nope." I was told that the name was such a huge part of the transition and the catharsis it brought to the person was massive. That might job was just to support and guide and love her. They all told me the name might even change again as she settled more in to who she really was. And it did. Before we got her name legally changed, we talked a lot about whether she was really certain this was it. Again, it changed - but this time just the long version. From C--------- to C------. She chose [my husband's] mother's middle name as her own middle name. That was a lovely nod to dropping [my husband's] name and I think it meant a lot to him. When I hear her birth name, I still have the natural instinct to say "Oh, I have a J..." but I don't any more so I have to fight the urge to say it out loud. It makes me heart skip a little but it's ok. It's getting easier.

Q: Thank you for answering. I think this would have been a very hard part of the process for me to accept, as I put so much into choosing my children's names. Thank you for honesty, and I am seriously impressed with C choosing [you husband's] mum's middle name; a very nice touch. As it happens, my Jake is Jake. Just Jake, not Jacob. I don't actually like the name Jacob! No offence to any Jacobs it just wasn't for me.

A: Yeah, the first name was like that. I'd NEVER have chosen the long version.

Q2: How interesting... I sincerely can't remember her birth name now, she is just so much "C" in my mind now. I remember your Facebook post when she legally changed her name, I just literally don't remember or really think of her as male anymore. Who she is now just fits her so well, it's ingrained into my mind... I hope none of that offended, it's just the truth.

Q3: Names are funny. I don't particularly care for mine. I disliked it a lot more growing up. Not really even because there were plenty of ways to make fun of it, but that it was so popular when I was born that I was "just another A". It was ranked #2 that year, behind Jennifer, which is what my father would have had them call me had my mother not been dead set on A. Of course my mother is adamant that she had chosen it back when she was in high school, before it became so popular. That didn't mean much to a fourth grader, who was just another hug-n'-kiss. Now it's just a name.

To me, pretty much all names are little more than meaningless conjoined sounds meant to tell us apart, unless there is something of great sentimental significance behind them. My middle name is both the middle name of my father's mother, and the first name of my older half sister. I never met my grandmother, and I've met the sister a couple of times. I'm not super close with that side of the family anyway, and frankly I thought it was pretty darn lazy to recycle a name within the same set of siblings. I'm not the only one that got that treatment in our bunch though, so I don't take offense :-)

Of course, I would never go by a nickname (other than the C----- W----) or alter it in any way, because I know how much my mother loves it and it would hurt her feelings. I know that if it was important however, she may struggle with it, but in the end she always just wants me to be happy. Mothers kick ass, and us daughters are lucky to have you ❤

A: you're not alone [in just thinking of C as C now]! We're hear that a lot. And to be honest, most of the time we don't think about it any more either. It's just now and then it surprises us. Or I start to tell a story about when she was little and have to change names consciously because there's "BC" and "AC" - before C and after C. :)

I used to HATE [my name]. When everyone else was Stephanie and Jennifer I would've given anything to have a "normal" name. But now I like [my name]. I do think you're right that mostly names are just sounds but in this case losing the name signaled losing the child, in a way. Does that make sense?

Q3: Yes indeed it does. It was the "identity" that you gave him, and when the time came to let you know there wasn't a "him" to be identified, the "her" that had been there all along needed an identity. I would imagine there to be a lot of emotion looking at your child as both the one you have always known, and the one you never knew existed before.

A: precisely.

Q [my husband]: I'm getting teary reading all this. You guys are so lovely and supportive. Sometimes, we think it's just us, but this shows us how amazing human beings can be x

Q2: I too am teary.

Q3: Well said.

Q: H, I've been reading the posts here and wanted to say that you are incredible parents. The fact that C was able to tell you is testament to that, something I sadly was not able to do. I think it's great that you are opening yourself up to answer these questions. I know you will have more challenges ahead, but you have created a strong foundation to work through them. Hugs and kisses to you all x

A: Thank you, E. And THANK YOU for all your support of us and of C directly. xxxx

Q: You are both welcome to ask me anything x

A: I think we kind of have! ;) x

Q: It is so neat to see you post this and I'm reading every comment/question and answer. I want to just be educated because I don't want to feel awkward around a transgender or gay person. It bothers me that there is so much hatred in the world that a person can't be on the outside who they are on the inside. Thank you, your family and especially Miss C for being so open about her life.

A: Thank you, K.

Q: I was thinking of doing this in a PM, so if you'd rather take it there, I understand. I'm wondering what kind of mental gymnastics you went through. Did you have any of the anger (and subsequent guilt) associated with having a child society deems "different"? I am thinking (unfairly, I admit) of the emotional tugging that goes on with parents of special needs children. Anger, frustration, confusion, and especially guilt. Having to make hard decisions for/with C, when you know she is a teenager, so where does the "decision boundary" lie? You have been completely and amazingly positive about this experience that, no doubt, has changed all of your lives significantly. And because change isn't always easy, I wonder what kinds of things go on in your head, when you're alone in the bath, when you're alone with your husband. Sorry if this is intrusive; it's something I am constantly thinking about when people go through life changes.

A: I said anything goes! Yes, there was a LOT of guilt about missing the signs and knowing that she had been in pain, hiding this secret for years. I was angry at myself and scared about letting her step out in the world - a world that might be really, unbelievably cruel to her. I'd wish things hadn't changed and then feel guilty about that selfish thought. The wheels are forever turning in my mind -- not a quite the pace they were at the beginning, when tears were always right on the surface -- but there's a constant mental calculation of where and when she will be safe, what circumstances could arise where, how to approach those things with her and how to avoid them if possible. It's also a constant battle with myself to help her "pass" as a cis girl and the "why the hell does she have to pass? She is who she is!"

Q: Thanks for answering!

A: Thanks for asking. :)

Q: I have a question. What does cis girl mean?

A: Cis means same. So a cis girl is a girl who was assigned female at birth (i.e. vagina) and also identifies as female. Trans means across so not the same. See. :)

Q: Thank you.

Q: It's not a question, just wanted to say that I've followed your journey and, right from the start, was in real awe of your readiness to accept. Not because you'd ever have judged, I know that, but to help and facilitate finding the professionals to enable the transition. The stuff that is forever, and can't be undone. That is immense trust and faith between all of you to know that it's 'right'. That's quite something, to not try and put the brakes on (which I know would be detrimental). You must be one of the bravest families I know.

A: Don't give us too much credit. I'm a "fixer." It gave me a way to focus my energy on one thing at a time. Otherwise I'd be drunk in a corner.

A: But also - finding the balance between trusting a kid to make massive life decisions and parenting a teen is damn hard.

Q: That's the bit that had me dancing from foot to foot. That balance.

There was a kid waiting to cross the road as we were coming home yesterday. I stopped to let them cross and realised I had no idea if it was a boy or a girl. Could have been either, one of the boys asked me if I knew and I said no. One of the others said "maybe trans?" which got the response "oh yeah, probably", then they all went back to watching youtube. Clearly this has been discussed at school or with friends and deemed too dull to interrupt the watching of the current youtube champion, I think that's a good thing?

A: It's definitely a non-thing with most kids. It's the adults that need clarification on everything and want it all to fit in to tidy boxes. The kids couldn't give a rat's ass!

Q: Maybe we should have bathroom laws then. Need to pee and Uptight busybodies.

A: It's definitely a non-thing with most kids. It's the adults that need clarification on everything and want it all to fit in to tidy boxes. The kids couldn't give a rat's ass!

Q: Maybe we should have bathroom laws then. Need to pee and Uptight busybodies.

A: I like that. You could start a campaign. I don't have the energy.

Q: I don't think anyone in the UK cares. You can be any gender you like but Brexit/Remain loos might be a go-er.

A: Good point. Why is everyone so bloody concerned what's in your pants here? I'm more interested in whether there's anything in your head!

Q2: See your,point about identity above. ;)

Q: You guys will forever have my support and encouragement. A [redacted] student worker of mine, after graduating and moving on, came out to me as trans back in 2002 at the age of 26. It was awkward at first, but not surprising as I thought back over the years. Now, almost 15 years later, Julie is now happy, in a healthy relationship, with a cool IT career in NYC. I admire C for being true to herself earlier -- it sounds like it makes for an easier transition when one's younger, correct?

A: Yes, transitioning younger makes a massive difference for a lot reasons, not least the issue of hormones. Once puberty hits, you're working against development. In her case we were racing against a deeper voice and facial hair -- obvious give aways for trans women. But, aside from the issue of hormones, there's the mental health aspect. More than half of trans folks attempt suicide. Supporting trans folks means a far lower suicide rates, earlier mental health interventions, etc. We are so glad C came out to us when she did. She had attempted suicide and we never even knew. How many more times would that have happened before she was successful had she not come out?

Q2: :((((

Q3: :,(

Q: One of my daughter's teammates (at 11) wants to be a boy. This teaching thread has come along at just the right time when I inevitably get questions. Thanks!

A: I'll give you a quick pointer that doesn't seem like a big deal to cis folks, but the semantics are HUGE to trans folks and their families: The child doesn't "want" to be a boy; the child "IS" a boy. That's a child that was "assigned female at birth." The adults got it wrong. He's always been a "he" but now he's got the strength to tell everyone.

For folks who cannot imagine what it must be like to have a body the appears to be that one of gender and a brain of another, it seems like a choice or something they want to be. To the actual trans or non-binary person, that makes it sound as if they're playing dress up or trying on some fun new identity. Does that make sense? That's what is called a "cis-normative" comment, meaning cis folks expect that their reality is everyone's reality.

Q: Understood. Thank you for correcting my linguistic shortcomings on the issue! I have always believed that there is much that science is only now beginning to understand about "bathing in the soup" of hormones and how DNA expression occurs in the first few months of development. Thank you again for such an educating thread! I'll get better…

A: I know you will! And I appreciate you being receptive to correction and for trying to learn more!

Q [My niece]: M and I were talking yesterday about different family, because we were doing a map of the US. I asked her if she knew we had family in Oklahoma, and she didn't remember that. She knows the places we've been to. Anyway, I said, oh, you know, Uncle C, Aunt H, and their kids, C, E and T. M thought hard for a minute she said yeah, I remember them. E played with me a lot, he was nice. I said that was T, but yes, E is nice too. She said, I don't know the other one. So I'm guessing the name is throwing her off. I didn't really know what to say, because I thought any explanation was going to come out wrong and she's too literal-- I was afraid I would make something stick that she'd always associate with C. Do you have a recommendation or a preference of how I might approach explaining to M why she doesn't remember this cousin, but the others? Or, since she's young enough to just not say anything, should I just let it be, and re-meet C when we finally all get together again? I feel like I'm overthinking it.

A: We find that most kids just don't care AT ALL. They might have a few questions but then they're like, "cool. thanks" and they're back to their cheerios. You can show her a picture of C before and after. It's fine to say "we knew her as J... before but she changed her name." Or "We all thought C was a boy because she was born with a penis but she knew better than we did. It can be confusing sometimes but C let us know she's a girl." Whatever. She'll probably have questions but as long as you're matter of fact and honest, it'll be a non-issue. She's a sharp cookie, she'll be cool. The question is more about whether or not she'll choose to educate her friends. If you think she might and that could present a problem, you can just show her a current picture and re-introduce her that way. x

Q2 [My sister]: I'll second that. [Our son] took it all in his stride when we told him.

Q: Oh, yeah yeah yeah-- I know she won't care either way, I'm really more worried about me, ha! Maybe we'll just start with some general transgender explanations. Then when it comes closer to seeing y'all again, I can say, oh yeah, remember how some folks are born different on the outside than they are on the inside? And go from there. And will she educate her friends-- damn straight she will. We have a lot of conversations about kid-ignorance-- that's 100% not their fault-- but M is offended b/c they told her pink is a boy color-- and she knows colors don't have gender and anyone can like anything, yada yada. South Texas Elementary schools are going to find themselves with some interesting topics coming up, soon.

Q: Honestly, I hadn't addressed it with her b/c I didn't think she'd remember everyone. Oh, how little credit I give that kid.

Q2: Haaahaaaa! Go get 'em lady. [Our child] is a constant source of surprise to his teachers. I have been amazed at how they seem to take it all in their stride though. x

A: We've had many conversations with parents of kids ours have educated over the years! 😂

Q: Love you all, love your openness with the family journey and how amazing all three kids are 💕

A: We have the opportunity to help spread understanding so we figure we might as well! We're in a good position to be able to do it, seeing that our people are so awesome! :) xx

Q: I've learned a lot reading this feed, thank you for starting the conversation, H. It's so important. Was C already seeing a counselor before she came out? Was that part of her process of bringing it to you?

A: She had seen a psychiatrist in earlier years for her OCD and anxiety but hadn't seen him in awhile. She came to us on her own. She had been waking me up for years, most nights, to tell me something but most of the time it was something ridiculous. Turns out she'd been trying to get up the nerve. On the night she came out to me, she had a nightmare that her voice dropped and she grew facial hair and it was scary enough to give her strength. She wasn't quite ready to tell [my husband] in those first few days -- she just needed to sit in the knowledge that she had actually SAID it for awhile -- so we did some preparing for that conversation together. As soon as she came out, I reached out to [Citizens of Our State] for Equality for suggestions for a good counselor for trans kids. We got hooked up with an incredible person who specializes in this field and started seeing him immediately. He has been great for her and for me and [my husband]. And the support group he runs, once monthly, is so incredible for parents and for teens. Huge supports.

Q: What's for tea at your house?

A: HAHA! All the kids are going on camp outs tonight so whatever [my husband] and I decide as soon as we get back from delivering them. :)

Q: Oh ok, just your everyday family doing everyday family stuff then eh? 😘

A: That's the strength of it. Except for that trans, gay, liberal agenda we keep hidden from everyone.

Q2: You guys keep nothing hidden....which is the best way. So you and [your husband] are on "date night"? K I S S I N G....

A: Shhhhh! Don't tell everyone!

Q2: Whoops

Q: I don't really have a question: I just want to say I am proud to call you friends and I am honored to get to get to know your family. You guys are awesome. Thanks for letting your light shine.

A: Thank you. It's mutual! x

A: Ok, school run time. I'll be back in a bit!

Q: In my eldest boys year at school there are twin girls - one is now living as a boy, I was worried about people being horrid but there has been nothing..no nastiness just acceptance. The kids are fine about it, the biggest issue has been the bloomin' parents. Teenagers today just accept and get on with it - no issue - a "so what" attitude - parents on the other hand

Q2: Same at ours - we have a couple of trans/non binary kids in school who came after the summer - the school decided to change all the cloakrooms and toilets into gender neutral ones over the holidays - the kids all prefer it and don't care why!

Q: I mean some kids are always going to be nasty - but they are nasty to everyone. The parents go on like it's some sort of infection - it's disgusting.

A: The UK is leaps and bounds ahead of Oklahoma!

Q: Goodness me H!

Q2: Getting there slowly - but not fully arrived yet! However tonight on TV we have a series of trans people being announcers and telling their story between programmes - taken long enough! - #TDOV.

Q: C4 doing an amazing job!

Q2: I follow Stephanie Hirst on FB she's a great role model.

A: That's fabulous! Maybe we'll get it online after. :)

Q2: [picture of Stephanie Hirst on her facebook page] https://www.facebook.com/stephaniehirsty/posts/10155092040654705:0?hc_location=ufi

Q: is it ok if I share this feed? I have a trans nephew who just came out around Christmas. I'm trying to find some good support for him. He is and always has been such an awesome person, but he feels like a failure.

A: I'm so sorry to hear that! Ordinarily I'm all about sharing my posts but I have agreed with C that her story stays among friends. Since we've used her name and specifics, I'm not going to open this one to the public.

But, there are loads of available supports here in town if he's here. I'd be happy to help him!

Q: Understood. Love reading your posts. They give me a little insight. God bless you all.

Thanks. I'll check with him and if he is will give you his number.

A: tell him to call, text or message me any time.

Q: I know religion has been brought up several times in my daughter's class...the whole "going against God." How do you tell your kids to deal with someone who's intolerance is based on their religious views?

Q2: [original poster]- how are the teachers dealing with it?

Q: I don't really know, as all my info comes from an 11 year old.

A: we have a few "go to" scriptures. We're not from a church that focuses on memorizing scripture so I have committed these particular ones for this purpose alone. 1) "God is love." 1 John 4:8. So...that's pretty straight forward. 2) " God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." genesis 1:27. I guess if god created man and woman in his own image, he'd either both genders or had no gender so... I honestly can't spend too much time arguing faith. I've had these discussions but they make me beat my head against the wall. I don't believe god is a hateful, spiteful, hurtful being so I just can't get on board with all that nonsense. If you believe Jesus died on the cross for your sins then he also died on the cross for my sins and my kids sins and on and on and on. No sin is meant to be worse or better than another so if you believe my kid is sinning, then she's just like you because I'm pretty sure you've coveted or lied or stolen something in your life, y'know?

And also, the teacher told T that it was illegal to talk about LGBTQ issues. I had a little chat with the administration and that has been addressed.

Q2: ILLEGAL?! What

Q: I actually did hear that. SMH. I told EG not to worry about it because his mom would take care of it. (I had no doubts about that)

A: Haha! :). Yeah, I did. And the administration was VERY receptive, I'm happy to say.

Q: Did you guys sense things before C did?

A: I had no idea at all that she was trans. I thought she might be gay. She would dress up as a girl ALL the time, but so did her brothers. But they also put on super man and pumpkin costumes. It's a theatrical family. I didn't think anything of that. Her personality was always more stereotypically female: more communicative and philosophical. But again, her dad and grand dads aren't tough guys so no big deal. No, this was a total surprise to me.

Q: Human beings are insanely complex. H, thank you so much for this thoughtful reply!

Q: In hindsight, now that you know what you know and have a new "lense" through which to view her childhood, do you think it would have been preferable somehow if you had, sort of, confronted or inquired about the "differentness" that you had perceived and interpreted as possible gayness, to open the door for her to come out of. Or do you think it is better to wait for them to come out at their own time in their own terms?

A: I go back and forth on this one. We have always been VERY up front about acceptance and love for everyone whoever they are so I feel as if the door was pretty wide open already. And C says as much. But she also says she REALLY wishes she came out earlier. So, if I had pushed, would she really have come out? I don't know. To be honest, I think the first time she said those actual words to me were excruciatingly hard and I'm not sure she had the strength to do it before. She says she was too smart and knew early on she'd be condemned by society so she waited and tried to fit the mould as long as she could. At the end of the day I've tried to let that go. There's no point in beating myself up over what I can't change. I AM very glad i co-taught an LGBTQ class at church which provided her the certainty I was cool with it and the language to tell me.

Q2: Parenting is so, so hard, H. It's always a question of how much do you "intrude" on their life and how much do you let them fend for themselves so they learn resilience. I remember that T came to me when near the end of last year and said to me, something like "I have a new sister. Do you know what I mean?" And, I thought that you and [your husband] were having another baby (because you know, you two are very loving to each other!) until he said, "No, not that," and I had to think for a moment and then, the light came on and I honestly wasn't sure which of his brothers had decided to identify as female because, well, I teach French and so I never had C in class. And, well you know how thoughtful E is and since he never responded to any of [my daughter's] after school notes/advances and she's so pretty, I thought, well maybe... '-) Anyway, I was happy that T brought it up to me. He did tell me that "his parents had told him not to talk about it with anyone at school yet." So, I was glad that I'd just received training at [our church] a few months prior because I was a guide in a class there and I told him that I'd learned one should never "out" others as gay, trans, etc.--even family members. (We were instructed not to talk to even their parents about what names or pronouns they used in circle time or anything just in case they hadn't yet gotten the courage to talk with them yet.) I've begun lining up kids with think questions instead of in that binary boy/girl line this year which is a pretty fun way to get their thoughts on different topics (like whether they prefer southern accents or northern ones, etc.). In any case, don't beat yourself up too much. I believe you're right in that sometimes it takes time to develop that strength. I adore how open minded and kind and accepting that you and [your husband] have always been. No doubt in my mind that she felt love radiating from both of you and that was a big part of her reservoir of courage. My question is more of one for educators than a parent one: What kinds of role do you feel that educators should have in this issue as far as being guides in conversations about it? Are you comfortable with teachers bringing this up as a topic in class? I am not super comfortable with teachers teaching my kids topics like politics or religion because of the way students look up to teachers and often assign so much value to what they say. As a parent, I sometimes prefer for those big issues to come from my mouth to their ears. As an educator, I feel conflicted on how much parents really want these things discussed outside of their domain so to speak. Thoughts?

A: Very good question. I don't think educators have to teach specifically on this topic to make acceptance the norm in their classes. Your step away from the binary in simple things like lining up is HUGE. Simply using language like "people" or "folks" instead of "boys" and "girls" also makes kids who may not feel strictly male or female less ostracized. And talking about caring for people however they define themselves is a general and non-religious or political way to teach acceptance and love. I agree this is not a teacher's role in the US. But kindness falls well within the purview of education in my mind. :)

Q2: Thanks, H. Appreciate that feedback. Having to teach pronouns means it absolutely becomes a topic for discussion and a moment I can introduce in a child's life where students have an opportunity to express themselves and/or experiment with their identity. So, I can't really gloss over anything and I want to do it in a sensitive way. We were just given handouts on updated pronouns in both French/Spanish which should make for a good teaching moment! I fluctuate between what is best for kids in a classroom: an open, (relatively) unfiltered forum or a "this is my private life" space. I absolutely do try to make kindness to there (what I call having ambassador qualities) a top priority always. I have pretty much always called my students dauphins & dauphines (Dolphins)...which opens other issues for discussion in class: the sexism inherent in Romance languages and the masculine/feminine aspect of objects! Thanks again for opening up your page and sharing your story. You really are lovely and I'm glad to know your lovely family. 💛

A: Thank you for being open to new challenges in the classroom!

Q: I do realize that the way my question came out it sounded like I was asking you to second-guess yourself, but that honestly was not my intention at all! I'm sorry it came out that way and you are right there is no use worrying about the past. My intention was actually to try to find out what your advice today (after all you've learned) would be for a parent who might now be in the position you were in before. If a parent has suspicions that something is "different" should they come out and ask? Just wait for the child to bring it up? In the past, it seemed to me intuitively that a parent should follow the child's lead and just wait until the child was ready and accept the child's timing. But when you've brought up the issues of racing against hormones and suffering in secret, it makes me wonder if it would be advisable to pry. But then what if the parent is wrong?

A: I didn't take it that way at all. I got your gist so don't worry.

The truth of it is, I just don't know the answer to that. I don't know if C would have answered me truthfully if I had had suspicions and asked her outright. I don't know whether to tell a parent to mention things like the treatments that can help a person feel better. Or maybe it's better to schedule an appointment with a trans-affirming counselor, explaining to the counselor what the situation is. Or, maybe a family can watch "I am Jazz" together to introduce the subject. Or maybe they could just ask outright.

The thing is, not every child can crystallize the situation in their minds, particularly if they are getting contradictory message from a faith community, family or friends. They may try to act the part or think this feeling will go away. C certainly tried to play the role and openly tells us she knew we'd accept her but that it was just a lot to admit to herself and that she knew it would change EVERYTHING. She didn't want to be responsible for upheaval in the family, even if we accepted her.

Having said all of that, if I had it to do again, and I did suspect, this is what I think I would have done. I would have watched the Nat Geo program, the Trans List and some of I am Jazz as a family. I would have had open and frank discussions about those shows and my own gender identity and sexuality with my kids and my feelings about what that might have felt like if things were different for me. I would have told them up front and blatantly that I love them no matter what, no matter their sexuality, gender identity, hair color, clothes...whatever. I would have said that we have great doctors in Tulsa who can help you with anything you might be feeling and that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. I would definitely point them to online and community resources I had found (if its age appropriate) to explore this topic on their own if they wanted. Finally, depending on how all of that went, I might ask them outright if any of them had had feelings they wanted to talk about.

I just don't think there's a play book. Even at our support group, parents talk about the vastly different experiences they had with it all. It varies so wildly that all you can do is do your best, admit when you mess up and love your kids.

Q2: Really helpful honesty H. As much as I want to be an excellent educator, my deepest desire is to be a good mother and I appreciate this insight. 💛

A: I asked C tonight and she says she wishes I had known and asked her. It would've opened the door for her. But that's just our experience.

Q: Thanks, H!

Q: And I thought I couldnt love you and your family any more, and now I read through these posts and my heart is just about to burst! I'm so honored to call you friends. This thread is just beautiful!

A: Thank you! You're not so bad yourself. ;) x

Q: The most significant problem we have had inside our family, with my older grand realizing he was male trans, is that, now that he's on hormones, he can no longer sing tenor with me in TOC, as he is now low bass.

A: Life is tough, eh? ;)

Q: You all are amazing! ❤️😘

A: Nope - just normal. Well, "normal" is a stretch. ;) but thank you!

Q: M came home from school today and told me it was #transgenderdayofvisibility and explained what that meant so I guess things are moving in the right direction even if it is slowly. You and [your husband] and the rest of your amazing family astound me with your honesty, openness and full-throttle commitment to being the best possible people you can be and I am so glad to know you. Talking openly about things is what helps people to understand and through understanding comes empathy and acceptance. I don't have a question because I already have girls so just know I feel your pain 😉

A: Big steps forward for South Texas! That makes me super happy. :) x Edit: totally read this as my niece and her daughter M. Hilarious. Not so south Texas.

Q: 😂😂

Q: Thank you for posting this H. People have a lot of questions, I'm sure, and it's so amazing that you're willing to answer them. To echo everyone else, your family is amazing!

A: I'm glad people are asking in a safe place so they can learn more. :)

Q: This thread is overwhelming AMAZING! Seriously bravo to you and your daughter. She is blessed to have you both as parents and this viewing audience is blessed for the incredible insight and love that you have shared. Thanks for all this. I need a tissue now xoxo

A: Thank you. 😘

Q: My question: as a parent that wants to educate and communicate to my own kids in love and acceptance, are there resources you recommend for talking about it? I don't want to rely on the "wait and see if it's brought up" approach. From [my husband] : Now that C is C, has she found her life is easier or harder?

A: Honestly, I'm a fan of a constant conversation. If someone says "is that a boy or a girl?" you can answer with something like "we don't really know. Some people show their genders by dressing a certain way or wearing their hair a certain way, but not everybody does. Both ways are fine - we just accept everybody for who they are." Just popping little tidbits in now and then makes it acceptable and shows them the door is open for questions. There also a kids' book of "I am Jazz" explaining it all for little ones. I haven't read it since ours are older but loads of folks I know have recommended it. For [your husband]: she is generally much happier in being able to be who she is authentically. Though, she's also 15 so she's a misery guts sometimes, too. But the kid who withdrew and became sullen has blossomed in to a chipper (sometimes), contented (usually) teenager.

Q: I'll look into the book. I like having it always be part of ongoing conversations.

A: That's sort of our philosophy on parenting with regards to sex, race, religion... not one sit down talk but an ongoing conversation.

Q: Exactly. Love you and C! It made me happy to see her in the nursery last weekend. ❤️

A: She's enjoying the occasional fill in!

Q: Did she stay at the same school after the transition (is that the correct term?)? If so, was it a seamless transition or did it take awhile for classmates and teachers to make the switch?

A: She came out to me on April 4th (well it was past midnight so April 5th) of last year - right at the end of her 8th grade year. Following that she pretty quickly came out to several friends. She decided to finish out the year with her former name but name but by the time she got to her 8th grade formal a few weeks before the end of the semester, she was ready to push the boat out a bit. She wore much more feminine clothes- though just trousers, shirt and a tie- and over the course of the night she had answered several questions about whether she was a girl now. Each time she answered yes, they'd say "cool" and walk away. No biggie.

Over the summer we worked hard to get everything in place so she could start high school as C. She began hormones, got her name changed legally, new birth certificate, SSN etc. We got her registered at her new high school as C so she could start fresh.

There were a few kids from her old school -- one a good friend -- who knew her, but mostly she was a unknown and was able to slip in under the radar. Fortunately, though she's had a few minor run ins, it hasn't been a big issue for her and she has settled in with a nice group of friends. She is, technically speaking, "stealth," meaning most people have no idea. She is just C to them.

Q2: you mentioned a new birth certificate. We're you able to change her birth sex or just name?

A: In [our state] you have to have gender confirmation surgery (previously called a sex change or gender reassignment surgery) before you can have the sex changed. Fortunately, because C was born in the U.K., she has what is called a consular report of birth abroad, which is a federal document. Federal documents have MUCH more lenient requirements for changing the gender so all it required was the court ordered name change and a letter from her doctor confirming she is being treated for gender dysphoria and should have her gender marker changed. It took about 6 weeks but it was easy once the name change was done. We also got her SS card and passport changed with the same letter from the doctor. All of that means that when she got her drivers permit a few weeks ago it had her new legal name and correct gender marker. That marker can mean the difference between life and death, literally. Trans folks are beaten and killed regularly when a legal document gives them away. Having these protections afford us so much piece of mind, it breaks our hearts that others aren't getting that same piece of mind, simply because of the state they live in.

Q: Love you H. Thanks for sharing!

A: Love you, too, A! X

Q: Thanks for sharing; I appreciate your candor.

A: I figure it's a better way to help spread understanding then being a cow about it. ;)

Q: 100%!!! 😊

Q: Your family should write a book about this journey. Given the inquisitiveness and your honesty, so many families and friends could benefit from your honesty and unconditional love from everyone.

A: I actually write a blog, D. You're welcome to read it at www.trans-teen.com. It's not very slick, and quite frankly, it's hard to navigate without going back to the home page because I just don't have time to fix it, but it helps me process! :)

Q: I really respect you, your transparency and your willingness to encourage this dialog. I've had trans friends through the years but wasn't around when they actually transitioned. I do think the courage is tremendous and I'm so happy to see the world changing and embracing your family and C with kindness (mostly). This is exactly the kind of conversations that help people understand, brings connection, change and helps to dispell fear and break down boundaries. Your family is a powerful form of love in action. Thank you for sharing and I came to understand some things better today too thanks to your openness. With great love we can get through pretty much anything that comes in life. And I believe most of the people in this world are striving for many of the same things at the core, they just seem to get hung up on the differences instead of the commonalities which leads to much uneccesary strife. Wishing all the best to C and your whole family!

Q2: Ha! LW, do you know H? Talk about two separate world meeting! I go to church with H and [her husband]...yes, they are amazing innovators of open dialogue and compassion...a great example for us all..H, I used to work with L at [redacted]...if you two don't know each other, you would become fast friends!

A: LW and I went to high school together. :). Thank you both for your kind words. X

Q2: Oh, small world!

Q: It is a small world, B and H! It makes me smile to think that the two of you get to see each other with regularity now because you are both so great! :) :) And I agree with B even though our friendship was decades ago I bet it would even be more so now with who we have become over time. And I sure miss getting to see B like I used to! It was such a joy to work together. :)

Q: This is an amazing thread, H. I so love the fact that you opened the door and said, "Go for it. What are your questions?" Your bravery, honesty and clarity impress me deeply. I, as so many others have said, so admire the parenting you and [your husband] are providing your daughter and your sons. You are amazing examples of open-hearted, open-minded individuals who are having a hand in shaping the attitudes of the next generation. I also see the message of these posts traveling further than your Facebook page. I love the depth of the questions and the your extremely sensitive answers. A magazine article? A book? Let's talk!

A: We keep trying to have that coffee or lunch. Let's make it happen. :) x

Q: Oh, here is my question: Do you feel existentially that you now have a "daughter" and all that that might have meant to you as you waited to find out the gender of each of your children, or is that sense still in transition? It seems to me that trying to make that internal switch would be one of the more difficult parts as a parent.

A: Yes, we definitely feel we have a daughter now. In some ways I think it's easier for me because we can bond over clothes, bras, make-up, though clearly neither of us is a girly girl. [My husband] often laments that he got the daughter he always wanted but he missed the time in her life when she wanted to be daddy's little girl. We traded a sweet, loving little boy (who grew very moody and depressed in his last year) for a very moody teenage girl. The fact that the transition occurred at a time when kids naturally change so much actually means we often feel like she's an entirely different child. But she's not. Same kid, different wrapping paper. Admittedly, it might've been fun to pop a little bitty sun dress on a little bitty baby girl.

Q: WOW! Just WOW! H, this is incredible! Y'all are so brave. I'm open for questions about A's transition, but I haven't put myself or him out there like this. I did announce that I had a trans child on fb, with his permission. However, I didn't post it when he legally changed his name. You inspire me to do more. I'm so glad we are in such a great group of supporters.

A: I don't want you to feel you have to live the way we choose to live. A has had such a rough time - life is different for all of us and we just have to live according to what's best for us and our kiddos. Xxx

Q: Thanks H. We do choose to do what's best for our kiddos to make sure they are finding peace in themselves and their lives. I'm grateful for those of you that are fighting for our kids. Xxx

A: There will come a time when we need to pass the baton to someone else to fight for awhile if C hits a rough patch. It's a relay and we're all in it together! X

Q: I just wanted to share this here. My genderqueer friend shared this and I thought it was a really powerful essay on gender identity and expression.

https://popularium.com/story/nobody-to-wear/

A: That is beautifully written. Thank you, J. X

Q: We went to a friends party last year and a friend of theirs had a 4 year old boy who came in a Disney princess dress and his 6 year old sister was dressed similarly. No one looked twice, no one made any horrible comments, in fact everyone seemed to embrace it. Pretty cool actually. I recently saw pics of my friends kids at his 5th bday party and he was wearing trousers and shirt. He decides what he's wearing that day, end of. He's a cool kid

Q: I admire your family's courage and love so much. I am honored to be your friend.

A: You know you are a constant example of courage to us and we are so glad you're a part of our family. X

Q: No question, a statement. I respect, love and am proud as hell to count you and hubby as friends

Q2: Agree 10000%

A: Thank you both! 😘

Q3: Amazingly open discussion, from an amazingly open family. I know it seems like I am a million miles away, but I am still walking by your side. I was lucky enough to share C's baby days with you and am lucky enough to continue to see her (via Facebook) grow into a beautiful young woman. I hope we can meet up again soon, for more of the craziness we always have when we are together. We love you.

Q: Am I too late to ask a question? I'm wondering more about C's experience... what could parents look for to recognize if their child is struggling? If C felt life wasn't worth living, what was driving that? What sort of things can we tell our children and our kids' friends to let them know that they are safe... or is there anything?

A: This is a tough one. C became withdrawn and moody but we put it down to the teenage years. We definitely did not interpret the late night phone use to researching trans issues, we thought she was just disobeying rules. We never assumed the fact that she always made girl mine craft skins meant she was trans. She said they were just more fun to make. I think the only thing we can do as parents is to have frank and open discussions. Let your kids know you love them unconditionally and if they ever have something scary to tell you, you'll still love them. Make positive comments about LGBTQ folks in the news and in your community, etc. Saying the actual words; letting the world know you're trans is incredibly terrifying. There's no going back. I cannot imagine how hard it must've been for C all those years KNOWING she was a girl but having to play the part of boy convincingly. What made life no worth living was that massive burden. Being in the wrong body and knowing, if she told us, everything would change. She wondered whether or not she was strong enough to shoulder all of that or if it was just easier to end it. Happily, she decided living as a girl -- whatever that brought -- was a better idea.

Q: Thanks. Your family,and C especially, are a light in the dark:-)

A: Thank you. :)

Q: Just wanted to say I've been touched by your family's journey and respect the hell out of how you've handled it all.

A: Thank you!

Q: I love this H.

A: Thank you. x

Q: I have really enjoyed this thread, and I have learned so much. I don't have questions really, but I want to note the courage it takes for C to be herself - authentically - in this world...and I admire the parents who are walking beside her on this journey. It's really cool!

A: Thank you, B.

Q [My mum]: How very proud I am of you, H. You create a circle of acceptance around you that few are able to attain, because you love and understand those who are facing the most difficult situations. What a fortunate young woman C is to have a mother, dad, and siblings all of whom love and accept her. You have made that possible. Just had to tell you that I have rarely been prouder. Hugs, Mum.

A: Actually mum, YOU made that possible. You raised me to love. And you didn't bat an eye when we told you about C. It comes from you guys. X

Q: Fascinating. Thank you for sharing so much so that so many may be educated.

A: Thank you for reading. :)

Q: There is an undeniable beauty in your family's experience. I've found this entire conversation utterly fascinating and feel better for having read it. Thank you for sharing!

A: Thank you. :)

Q [my dad]: C's original choice of name was made, I believe, as a shortened version of C---------. Very splendid.

A: It was. But she decided it would be tricky for people.

Q: No question, just love. ❤

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